Confessions of Justin Lamar: My Fears Pt. 3

What is it about fear that cripples the essence of who we are? Fear isn’t totally a human characteristic, yet is one of the feelings making us most human. The ironic thing I’ve come to the conclusion with fear is in practically every aspect we fear US. We say we fear death, but we actually fear we aren’t doing enough to live a full life. We say we fear distrust, but we really fear vulnerability in ourselves exposed. We fear spiders, snakes, etc, but we fear our bodies reactions to these things….well, maybe these are a little scary.

For a while now I’ve been trying to embrace fear with logic and rationale. I think this is why I appear so calm to others. Most times it comes with the caveat of being viewed nonchalant; however, it’s more of understanding why I feel the way I feel and understanding everything doesn’t warrant a negative emotion.

A while ago, I wrote about losing my grandmother and it’s a big fear for me. I think my understanding now that I don’t fear her death, but rather my reaction to losing someone who has solidly been keeping me going on this Earth. I may emotionally lose my grip and never be the same. I’m not sure if I can handle the responsibility to keep going alone, leading me to realize I don’t use my support system as much as I should.

I also talked about feeling my self worth and holding on to people longer than I should. I feared not letting people know the real me, so I make myself available to way too many people. I fear being labeled “the bad guy” all because I didn’t give people enough time or chance to see me. I realized this fear stemmed from me wanting to have a persona to be seen, something I have NEVER wanted in life before. I went from wanting to be seen as who I am instead of being who I am and letting the gravity from that pull in who needed to be here with me.

So how do I figure some of this stuff out? Solitude honestly. I separate myself from things and people and let me thoughts and emotions engulf me. It’s just me and all these feelings zoned out in a room forcing me to think on why I feel what I feel. From there, I learn. I think so many of us fear solitude, to be trapped with thoughts and emotions, is because of what we may actually find and face. So many of us use social lives as escapes vs enrichment and enjoyment. Sometimes being alone in the darkest hour is when you can see the clearest.

I’m still fighting a lot of fear. At least now, I have a better understanding of it. I’ve grown to value my own time because of the revelations I have. I’ve also learned better coping mechanisms because of my understanding.

Fear can be labeled as a misunderstanding of the unknown. It’s not enough to face fear, but doing so with knowledge and understanding. Otherwise, fighting a war with no understanding of the cause leads to casualties with no purpose.

Find your peace. Find your understanding. Find your YOU in your fear.

Introspection

Here we are. Here I am. Writing has always been my best version of reflection, accountability and vulnerability. Ironically the best versions of my writing come from when I’m feeling my worst. At this moment, I’m actually writing from a place of peace and introspection. Writing this will be completely new, and I don’t have any objective. I absolutely hate forcing myself to write, and I only write when I feel within myself to do it. I simply want to acknowledge how I feel in this moment.

I feel like I haven’t been living enough. I’m not sure if greed is consuming me or if I’m not being humble enough. I feel like there’s more in life I can explore. Ironic that I reflect on moments in my past when mentally I was barely hanging on, financially at my worst, and socially non existent….I felt alive. I felt like I was dying to live.

Then, I found peace.

Oddly enough, I found peace during the pandemic. I found the recipe for my peace came from within. I can’t rely on others create peace for me. I had to turn to the God within me and perform two miracles. I had to turn to face the tides of life, walk onto the water AND speak to the storm to calm it. I added miracle worker to my resume and after my last December of reflecting on past events of depression and losses throughout the year, I woke up feeling blessed and rehabilitated. I’ve been feeling at peace for a while now. I feel so grateful. Stress doesn’t linger anymore. The peace I’ve created for myself blocks out those who come to disturb it and welcomes those who come to support it. This peace makes it easier to breathe, laugh, enjoy people, and take care of myself. I say this to say I’ve never been so scared in my life.

I’ve never known this kind of peace. What I once thought was peace, is now what I know as survival habits. “Staying calm in rough patches. Never letting others see your emotions to get through a day. Driving on in life because there are still things to do. Embrace the suck”. All of these mantras and expressions led to a calm, cool and collected, but also a desensitized, repressed me. However, I felt I could endure forever. I felt I can push through. I felt I could set myself aside and be there for others. Even when love and life were abysmal, I knew I had to fight more to feel alive.

I needed to change that. I don’t feel at war with myself or anyone anymore. I don’t feel a constant need to survive and be greedy. I don’t feel like I need to pour my life force in a ton of different directions hoping something moves for me. Why cap my life to constantly clawing for the top when the view I have at this rest point is amazing?

When you learn life’s peace comes from within you, you see life as life in the here and now along with the pleasantries in the moment. You learn how awful being in a constant state of survival really is. The best thing I could have done for my mental state is living more in the now. I acknowledge the moments where “life be lifin” comes in two parts: 1) something you can do something about and 2) nothing you can do about something. There are things within our mortal control we can change and things we cannot change no matter how hard we’d like to. With the sense of higher consciousness in mind, if these things are meant to be true, why would I waste my life showing negative emotions in either direction? Why do I feel the need to go into survival mode for either one? What benefits will I have disrupting my peace? The more I focused on this, the more I see how much turmoil we cause ourselves often for no reason.

We cause ourselves to lament over things and people that are indeed free to move about in life. Things and people operate in a reason, season and a lifetime. It’s either for a need you’ve expressed and they’re there for that reason and nothing more. Sometimes through bad timing or anything, they’re gone. They’ve fulfilled why they’ve come and that’s ok. They’re here for a season, where it’s something you should learn, share or grow. The season gives you happiness and new beginnings. It too will pass, it’s a season. Then there’s the lifetime where you use all that you’ve encountered during your reasons and seasons to build an emotional foundation of forever.

Everything I’ve mentioned led me to this point of peace where people are free to come and go. I’m happy to be in lives for whatever reason or season. If I have a hand at making a better you, that fulfills me with some sense of purpose. I love seeing people grow. I’m just happy I’m taking the time to finally do it for myself.

The peace is here to stay. While sometimes it can bring about some anxiety avoiding the feeling of trying to survive to the next day, I have everything to live for and there’s more living to do. I’ll unlock it at my own time and pace. The older I get, the more the construct of time doesn’t matter. The life I’ve been given could always be better, but the live I’ve lived so far as been a phenomenal journey.

Protect your peace. Give your heart. Indulge in some desires temporary and permanent. Take care your health. Embrace who you are in this moment.

Here’s to another year.

BDSM (poem)

I find pleasure in my pain…

This masochism isn’t from whips and chains, Nah this comes from the welts life has given me, For a while I was locked into my body trying to free my mind, so as the sin lit cigarettes to my skin, I cried out because I seemed to have forgotten the safety word,

Who in the hell could get off like this? It seems like the ropes got tighter, the screams got louder, and the lashes got deeper….but somehow I needed it, I wanted it, I couldn’t get off without it,

See when life tried to gag me when most others would choke, when she bit into my chest tearing into my flesh, I simply fell to my knees and submitted, and perseverance turned to passion, endurance turned to excitement, and hard times gave me hard ons, because nothing could make me reach my climax in life better than what life dished out. Life loves it rough whether on top or bottom and I think I do too….

Guess I’m a little kinky that way.

The 6th Stage

I’m back. I’ll spare the “it’s been a while” speech. Just know I’m here, and I actually feel here. I think we’ve all been thrown some unusual hands to play in life recently. Quite a few events have left me an emotional wreck. Times when I’m emotionally depleted are when I speak less and drift to repress. Often I can’t verbalize the words to say, so I turn to write. So much of what I write are moments to get my usual feelings of stress, pain, struggles, losses and lack of growth out when I can’t find words to speak. Today I do something different. Today I write from a place of peace.

You ever close your eyes in moments of chaos around you, take a deep breath and suddenly everything is still?

At this very fixed point of life I feel inner peace. Let me note that again. At this very fixed point of life I FEEL inner peace. There’s always this saying to focus on your blessings and endure for your breakthrough. I want to be clear, I focus on my blessings and seem to feel at peace about everything I am in at this moment. For a while, I thought this was all acceptance to move on with life. However, the feeling of peace within me right now goes beyond drudging through accepting pain as a part of life. Instead, I feel like all losses and events have changed my life and I accept that, but now in this very point in life, they don’t define me.

I think this inner peace for me is the true key to knowing love for myself; something I’ve struggled to find and understand. The only unfortunate thing I can think to come from finding my own inner peace is coming at the expense of moments and others in my life. The main reason I’m ok with the outcome is for those that still here with me, I’m grateful for them, and I’m glad to be the person they always believed in me to be. So let’s live for now….right now…none of the rest matters.

People raised from a place of survival and long suffering don’t know peace within. Hell just a moment to breathe is a blessing in itself. I know for myself, I’ve lost people still living, lost love I never knew, almost gave up on a life I never gave a chance to live. I fought though a lot to obtain a little success just to learn a lot of what I sought after didn’t provide the breakthrough I needed to feel. Now, to put simply, I feel centered. I feel warmth inside my heart. Things I do now whether I joke laugh or express myself come from a place that I can only describe as a sigh of relief.

I’m still me: calm, chill, mentally/verbally vulgar. The only real way I can describe how I FEEL different is I don’t feel inspired by negative emotions and outcomes. I don’t use my fear or anger to keep pushing through any more. I don’t use my fatigue or stress as a source of inspiration. I have an overwhelming feeling that IN THIS MOMENT everything has led to the success of finding my lane to be who I am and gravitationally pull all that I needed to be. I feel the things I stressed about are meaningless. The things I’d stress about and can change, I change. The things I have no control over, I’m at peace with as a part of life at the point I’m in and my journey will take me to other points where these things may not matter.

Pain, anger, frustration, hopelessness and grief are here in all of our lives and we all go through stages handling with them. I think when we transition to a point of realizing peace isn’t just accepting and enduring, but appreciating the very point of your life as just THAT: you are at a point of LIFE. The thing about a life of peace is, no matter how our world measures time, you see every moment as a vehicle to get you where you are now and to take where you are now as a chance to let your impact mold your journey. I haven’t changed the world, but I’ve the lives of a few. I haven’t become rich, but money doesn’t stress me. I haven’t been the best person God designed me to be, but God knows the mold doesn’t break. I haven’t always loved, but I know the love I feel within myself is a feeling I want to give. I haven’t known peace long, but I know it’s here forever.

I hope the same for you too. Peace.

The Tree that Grows in Brooklyn

For a while, I’ve had too many moments overcomplicating life. We are born, we develop a purpose and we leave hopefully doing some good in between. So pardon me while I let my insomnia take over and ramble some more things out of my head.

My transitions have created an interesting yet awry life. I’ve had mid-life crises in my 20s. I’ve gone from learning about God, questioning God, stating there are many paths to God, to realizing God is within me. I’ve learned you can’t hold on to time idly. One must create moments. That’ll be the only chance one can get to freeze and seize time. I’ve experienced being faithless and hopeless leaves one stuck in who you are, not who you should be. I’ve caused a lot of hurt I’ll never be able to help others heal from. Ironically, that’s a part of my conscious I think will hurt me forever. Those that are here in the moment, cherish them for the seasons they are in your life. No matter the relationship or how blind love can be, the everlasting lessons from friendship are clairvoyant on your journey.

My friends and family tell me all the time how smart I am. I think the ironic thing about that is the way life sets up your learning experiences, no matter how much one reads, listens, understands and communicates, you still awaken with ignorance everyday because of a new beginning driven to either move with purpose or still find it.

So far the only thing I’ve consistently found in life is a mortal’s way to immortality. One key to living forever the way we as human beings can:

“Do good. Be good. Be the right person.”

A lot of people list death as a fear or feel anxiety now trying to navigate living. Peace in life and death rely on the same thing: doing all the good you can and being the best person you were designed to be. Peace in life comes from the good you radiate and instill in others. Peace in death comes from knowing you’ve done all the good you could with the time you were given. This is the sure way to live forever because when you give your all…when you give your best into a world that needs it the most, your moments of good, love, sacrifice etc. resonate in those still here long after you are gone. The moments and memories you’ve created in them will tell your story forever. The good you shared inspires others to move with the same good in memory of you.

While I’m sure we all have our own specified paths, I believe this is the one trail where we all seem to converge.

“All things must come to an end. It is an inevitable part of the cycle of existence, all things must conclude. Take the analogy of a tree that grows in Brooklyn among the steel and the concrete with all its glorious branches and leaves, one day it too will pass on its legacy through the seeds it dropped to the ground and as the wind carries these seeds throughout wherever they might move a new life will begin for each one of them as they stand as a monument to the one that came before…”

To Be Free…To Be Me

It’s been a while. Honestly it’s been too long considering I had a myriad of things to sort out of my head yet little motivation to clear the mental space. I could put on the facade of “I’m just busy living life,” but truthfully I didn’t want to reflect on being unhappy when it seems like I didn’t have a reason to be. I’ve had a lot of vices I’d escape with whether it be sex or alcohol, and nothing positively gave me comfort like writing out who I am and what I have to conquer. Crazy thing about self-reflection is sometimes you are your ugliest when looking at the mirror alone.

I’ve been struggling. Internally, I’ve had this feeling of unhappiness for a while now. I feel proud of myself for being accomplished. I feel honored for being a provider. I feel blessed for being charitable. I feel determined for more of what I consider goals. All of that, and I feel….trapped. I feel caged in a cramped space of uncertainty and left starving for inspiration and some reason to feel a real sense of love for who I am and love for others that gives me a sense of forever.

I have this feeling not only something is missing, but also I’m not taking the time to find out what it may be. I feel I’m boxed into my obligations that I do know are my on path, but do parts of me get left behind on my life journey for the sake of one path? Maybe I’m rambling or getting really into the reach of my mental state.

I feel as if I’m not being all of who I am and I’m not given the chance or opportunity to feel/explore it. I feel like a few of those around me want me to be so many different things as it applies to their lives but not how it should to mine. I used to get lost in passion and expression. I used to have quixotic exploration of making the best of what I have in the moment. I used to be free.

I haven’t felt free in a while. I haven’t felt ok to feel not ok. I haven’t felt ok to acknowledge the fact that I don’t want to be “XYZ” to so many people. I just want to continue to figure out who I am and those along the journey to understand that. I feel like I’m worth more than titles given or being appreciated and loved conditionally for the things I do. Often I feel like if I don’t “uphold my end of the bargain” in the relationships I’ve built with others, I’m deemed the failure or the dreaded T word. Truthfully, these are probably people who either never took the time to get to know all of me and wanted to mould me into this being perfect for THEIR lives and not mine.

Currently the world is in an abysmal place with so much to process and I can’t process my own feelings about myself at times. Even in this moment of self-reflection I just find it difficult to get it all out in order.

You want to know the ironic thing about self-reflection? You take the time to reflect who you are, eventually come to some existential meaning for your life to change, and the person yourself and others have come to know, no longer exists. You reflect on your existence in order to change your existence and don’t have the same connection you had with yourself and others. The idea whether that’s good or bad depends on the life and interpretation you want to have…at least until your next reflecting moments.

I didn’t seek to inspire or uplift anyone this time. I really wanted to write out how I’ve been feeling and my navigation as high functioning melancholy person. Hopefully time will be on my side, God will continue to guide me, and life will be kind to me as I try to make this escape out of my head. To be free…to be me. Oh to be free.

Confessions of Justin Lamar: My Fears Pt 2

One could argue facing fears strengthens your self actualization to ascend to the person you think you are. I’m not one for arguing. However, facing fear cannot be conquered without a confession of what fear is. Confession is a sense of accountability. So here I am ready to air out my fears in my own worth, love disconnects, and struggles with romantic love.

Life feels great when you know your place in it. Among all the influences we’re exposed to constantly, it feels great to remain true to who you are and live for now, the right now and nothing else matter. Throughout life, I always knew who I am yet, I wanted others to see. Going further, I wanted to feel love and appreciation for beyond what is saw on the surface. I wanted my worth defined by my all I am willing to give rather than an image or persona I’m portrayed to fit. So much of my life has been proving I can be loved for the total package and not just for the things others pick to love or the idea I can be molded into someone to love. I have always known my worth professionally and mentally. The self worth coming from love and intimacy always seemed to lack, and I never had the confidence to be who I am due to not being seen. For a long time my love and intimate life formed habits and behaviors of holding on to people way longer than I should because I wanted to give them a chance to see me. I wanted them to love me. I wanted to at least hold on to what they thought of me and maybe more will come.

That’s never come. It takes an amazing person to love through the dark in you. At a point your worth becomes so alienated, you begin to turn to anyone who can love you even if it’s just for a few things. Rather than love and intimacy in totality, you settle for anyone who you can seek affirmation in. It leads a life to believe either one person isn’t capable of seeing your worth or all of you is worthless together.

It wasn’t until a few years ago I came to grips I didn’t know my worth when I comes to intimacy and I don’t know how. I still struggle with this and honestly the fear isn’t knowing my worth but repeating the pattern I’ve grown accustomed to: settling. I really long for intimacy deep down, but I can’t force it. I need to first understand it for myself before I take my first steps into intimacy.

A lot of my worth issues have only allowed others to love one side of me. My hand in this is giving other the option to pick and choose what to love and not the take it all or leave it option. I believe this is why I either had a false sense of love or I never feel in love with those who romantically grew to love me. I only had one romantic relationship come to make me feel love, but I realized I loved the temporary escape that woman provided. I won’t beat a dead horse and closure is closure. I feel this fear of love and with has carried over into my dating life with the idea of not ONE person has been able to love all of me so why chance it? Why give up all of who can love bits and pieces of me to make me whole for a person who may think they can love the whole me? Am I willing to give true intimacy a chance or am I still in a high from the idea loves gives only waiting time crash and got another quick it or go through withdrawals?

It’s said healing cannot begin without looking and addressing the problem. Healing cannot also begin without a treatment plan. Right now I’m not sure how to cure the feeling of fearing love or the habit of feeling I just love the idea of love. You can’t hug, kiss and stroke my head and expect this shit to go away. I really just want guidance on MY love and intimacy I feel most times it’ll take a higher power or more time alone experiencing the same mistakes until I learn why I’m making them.

I really want to love and no one gets hurt. Unfortunately, any chance or risk on love will lead to someone getting hurt from my habits about myself. It truly takes an act of God and determination amongst myself to realize the God in me is all a foundation of worth and unconditional love. I’m not sure who’s up for a journey like that and this journey one of the biggest fears I have.

Strength and guidance be with me. I have a long road ahead of me. Looking forward to meeting you there