What is it about fear that cripples the essence of who we are? Fear isn’t totally a human characteristic, yet is one of the feelings making us most human. The ironic thing I’ve come to the conclusion with fear is in practically every aspect we fear US. We say we fear death, but we actually fear we aren’t doing enough to live a full life. We say we fear distrust, but we really fear vulnerability in ourselves exposed. We fear spiders, snakes, etc, but we fear our bodies reactions to these things….well, maybe these are a little scary.
For a while now I’ve been trying to embrace fear with logic and rationale. I think this is why I appear so calm to others. Most times it comes with the caveat of being viewed nonchalant; however, it’s more of understanding why I feel the way I feel and understanding everything doesn’t warrant a negative emotion.
A while ago, I wrote about losing my grandmother and it’s a big fear for me. I think my understanding now that I don’t fear her death, but rather my reaction to losing someone who has solidly been keeping me going on this Earth. I may emotionally lose my grip and never be the same. I’m not sure if I can handle the responsibility to keep going alone, leading me to realize I don’t use my support system as much as I should.
I also talked about feeling my self worth and holding on to people longer than I should. I feared not letting people know the real me, so I make myself available to way too many people. I fear being labeled “the bad guy” all because I didn’t give people enough time or chance to see me. I realized this fear stemmed from me wanting to have a persona to be seen, something I have NEVER wanted in life before. I went from wanting to be seen as who I am instead of being who I am and letting the gravity from that pull in who needed to be here with me.
So how do I figure some of this stuff out? Solitude honestly. I separate myself from things and people and let me thoughts and emotions engulf me. It’s just me and all these feelings zoned out in a room forcing me to think on why I feel what I feel. From there, I learn. I think so many of us fear solitude, to be trapped with thoughts and emotions, is because of what we may actually find and face. So many of us use social lives as escapes vs enrichment and enjoyment. Sometimes being alone in the darkest hour is when you can see the clearest.
I’m still fighting a lot of fear. At least now, I have a better understanding of it. I’ve grown to value my own time because of the revelations I have. I’ve also learned better coping mechanisms because of my understanding.
Fear can be labeled as a misunderstanding of the unknown. It’s not enough to face fear, but doing so with knowledge and understanding. Otherwise, fighting a war with no understanding of the cause leads to casualties with no purpose.
Find your peace. Find your understanding. Find your YOU in your fear.