Here we are. Here I am. Writing has always been my best version of reflection, accountability and vulnerability. Ironically the best versions of my writing come from when I’m feeling my worst. At this moment, I’m actually writing from a place of peace and introspection. Writing this will be completely new, and I don’t have any objective. I absolutely hate forcing myself to write, and I only write when I feel within myself to do it. I simply want to acknowledge how I feel in this moment.
I feel like I haven’t been living enough. I’m not sure if greed is consuming me or if I’m not being humble enough. I feel like there’s more in life I can explore. Ironic that I reflect on moments in my past when mentally I was barely hanging on, financially at my worst, and socially non existent….I felt alive. I felt like I was dying to live.
Then, I found peace.
Oddly enough, I found peace during the pandemic. I found the recipe for my peace came from within. I can’t rely on others create peace for me. I had to turn to the God within me and perform two miracles. I had to turn to face the tides of life, walk onto the water AND speak to the storm to calm it. I added miracle worker to my resume and after my last December of reflecting on past events of depression and losses throughout the year, I woke up feeling blessed and rehabilitated. I’ve been feeling at peace for a while now. I feel so grateful. Stress doesn’t linger anymore. The peace I’ve created for myself blocks out those who come to disturb it and welcomes those who come to support it. This peace makes it easier to breathe, laugh, enjoy people, and take care of myself. I say this to say I’ve never been so scared in my life.
I’ve never known this kind of peace. What I once thought was peace, is now what I know as survival habits. “Staying calm in rough patches. Never letting others see your emotions to get through a day. Driving on in life because there are still things to do. Embrace the suck”. All of these mantras and expressions led to a calm, cool and collected, but also a desensitized, repressed me. However, I felt I could endure forever. I felt I can push through. I felt I could set myself aside and be there for others. Even when love and life were abysmal, I knew I had to fight more to feel alive.
I needed to change that. I don’t feel at war with myself or anyone anymore. I don’t feel a constant need to survive and be greedy. I don’t feel like I need to pour my life force in a ton of different directions hoping something moves for me. Why cap my life to constantly clawing for the top when the view I have at this rest point is amazing?
When you learn life’s peace comes from within you, you see life as life in the here and now along with the pleasantries in the moment. You learn how awful being in a constant state of survival really is. The best thing I could have done for my mental state is living more in the now. I acknowledge the moments where “life be lifin” comes in two parts: 1) something you can do something about and 2) nothing you can do about something. There are things within our mortal control we can change and things we cannot change no matter how hard we’d like to. With the sense of higher consciousness in mind, if these things are meant to be true, why would I waste my life showing negative emotions in either direction? Why do I feel the need to go into survival mode for either one? What benefits will I have disrupting my peace? The more I focused on this, the more I see how much turmoil we cause ourselves often for no reason.
We cause ourselves to lament over things and people that are indeed free to move about in life. Things and people operate in a reason, season and a lifetime. It’s either for a need you’ve expressed and they’re there for that reason and nothing more. Sometimes through bad timing or anything, they’re gone. They’ve fulfilled why they’ve come and that’s ok. They’re here for a season, where it’s something you should learn, share or grow. The season gives you happiness and new beginnings. It too will pass, it’s a season. Then there’s the lifetime where you use all that you’ve encountered during your reasons and seasons to build an emotional foundation of forever.
Everything I’ve mentioned led me to this point of peace where people are free to come and go. I’m happy to be in lives for whatever reason or season. If I have a hand at making a better you, that fulfills me with some sense of purpose. I love seeing people grow. I’m just happy I’m taking the time to finally do it for myself.
The peace is here to stay. While sometimes it can bring about some anxiety avoiding the feeling of trying to survive to the next day, I have everything to live for and there’s more living to do. I’ll unlock it at my own time and pace. The older I get, the more the construct of time doesn’t matter. The life I’ve been given could always be better, but the live I’ve lived so far as been a phenomenal journey.
Protect your peace. Give your heart. Indulge in some desires temporary and permanent. Take care your health. Embrace who you are in this moment.
Here’s to another year.