One could argue facing fears strengthens your self actualization to ascend to the person you think you are. I’m not one for arguing. However, facing fear cannot be conquered without a confession of what fear is. Confession is a sense of accountability. So here I am ready to air out my fears in my own worth, love disconnects, and struggles with romantic love.
Life feels great when you know your place in it. Among all the influences we’re exposed to constantly, it feels great to remain true to who you are and live for now, the right now and nothing else matter. Throughout life, I always knew who I am yet, I wanted others to see. Going further, I wanted to feel love and appreciation for beyond what is saw on the surface. I wanted my worth defined by my all I am willing to give rather than an image or persona I’m portrayed to fit. So much of my life has been proving I can be loved for the total package and not just for the things others pick to love or the idea I can be molded into someone to love. I have always known my worth professionally and mentally. The self worth coming from love and intimacy always seemed to lack, and I never had the confidence to be who I am due to not being seen. For a long time my love and intimate life formed habits and behaviors of holding on to people way longer than I should because I wanted to give them a chance to see me. I wanted them to love me. I wanted to at least hold on to what they thought of me and maybe more will come.
That’s never come. It takes an amazing person to love through the dark in you. At a point your worth becomes so alienated, you begin to turn to anyone who can love you even if it’s just for a few things. Rather than love and intimacy in totality, you settle for anyone who you can seek affirmation in. It leads a life to believe either one person isn’t capable of seeing your worth or all of you is worthless together.
It wasn’t until a few years ago I came to grips I didn’t know my worth when I comes to intimacy and I don’t know how. I still struggle with this and honestly the fear isn’t knowing my worth but repeating the pattern I’ve grown accustomed to: settling. I really long for intimacy deep down, but I can’t force it. I need to first understand it for myself before I take my first steps into intimacy.
A lot of my worth issues have only allowed others to love one side of me. My hand in this is giving other the option to pick and choose what to love and not the take it all or leave it option. I believe this is why I either had a false sense of love or I never feel in love with those who romantically grew to love me. I only had one romantic relationship come to make me feel love, but I realized I loved the temporary escape that woman provided. I won’t beat a dead horse and closure is closure. I feel this fear of love and with has carried over into my dating life with the idea of not ONE person has been able to love all of me so why chance it? Why give up all of who can love bits and pieces of me to make me whole for a person who may think they can love the whole me? Am I willing to give true intimacy a chance or am I still in a high from the idea loves gives only waiting time crash and got another quick it or go through withdrawals?
It’s said healing cannot begin without looking and addressing the problem. Healing cannot also begin without a treatment plan. Right now I’m not sure how to cure the feeling of fearing love or the habit of feeling I just love the idea of love. You can’t hug, kiss and stroke my head and expect this shit to go away. I really just want guidance on MY love and intimacy I feel most times it’ll take a higher power or more time alone experiencing the same mistakes until I learn why I’m making them.
I really want to love and no one gets hurt. Unfortunately, any chance or risk on love will lead to someone getting hurt from my habits about myself. It truly takes an act of God and determination amongst myself to realize the God in me is all a foundation of worth and unconditional love. I’m not sure who’s up for a journey like that and this journey one of the biggest fears I have.
Strength and guidance be with me. I have a long road ahead of me. Looking forward to meeting you there…