Monday Motivation

Well here we are to another Monday. Maybe it’s the start of your day to a busy work week as you stare out the window ready to escape or jump. Maybe you’re coasting along in life this week like a bunch of Grand Theft Auto cheat codes. Either way, we have today. We have Monday. Today I give you a quote from Groucho Marx, a renown comedian and actor. saying,

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Ironic coming from Mr. Marx considering there’s an entire syndrome coined from him about being a perfectionist and so hard on yourself to the point of procrastinating left with nothing but the “could haves”. His words aren’t to be negated. Happiness is created from within. I think once we begin to acknowledge our power as human beings to create, we can tap into the God within ourselves. This power to create goes well beyond any current status we could ever fathom. Once we learn the happiness we can create, there no limit to how we achieve within the time we have. We live for the now and right now. Nothing else matters.

Take some time to tap into your creativity. Go god mode. Look at yourself, the time you have and make everything that comes from happiness. Extend that happiness you make into the world and show us all how limitless you are. Here’s to being the best you that you’re designed to be. Create happiness. Create a great day.

Drifting into the Deep

I wish I had something catchy to start off the myriad of thoughts in my mind. Truthfully, I’m not sure what to write. We’re throwing structure off the ledge this time. Today you get what I feel in the most coherent way I can journal it. I guess confined to an office at 9AM in downtown Dallas will do that to you.

I’ve read Napoleon Hill’s Outwitting the Devil several times, and considering a book written in 1938, I still find it applicable to my life now. In his conversation with the Devil, the topic of drifting occurs. Drifting isn’t talked about in a religious sense, but a recognition of drifting against one’s true purpose in life. The Devil mentions seeking to make us permanent drifters far from being the person we were designed to be. The Devil goes into detail about invading the “principle of habit” to establish the habit of drifting. Drifting appears in various forms from a habit of excess to habits around comfortability. The Devil even says, “I can best define the work “drift” by saying people who think for themselves never drift, while those who do little or no thinking for themselves are drifters.”

I think the worst part about drifting is knowing you’re drifting, knowing the cause, and still finding yourself helplessly falling into the abyss of habits of a former self. In spite of everything I’ve accomplished over time, I think I’ve been one of the biggest drifters for most of my adult life. I’ve struggled with self-sustainability when it comes to happiness, self-esteem, purpose, and even love. I feel no matter what I’ve completed, there’s a void within me due to a lack of FEELING my purpose. Feeling purposeless causes me to question myself asking the existential, philosophical rigmarole of “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?“. I have a lot of control in my life, but why am I freely giving it up?

I think we have to choose if we want to live our lives in faith or fear. Choose faith is being sure of something and no matter how things appear, you still find it in your beliefs. Fear is a misunderstanding of the unknown. We can choose to exercise faith in our gifts and life believing in who we are or we can choose fear never to know what we really possess. Squandering gifts within yourself is what a hell must be because inside I feel comfortably tortured in spite of having an abundance or free time. I have all the time, yet feel motivated to do…nothing.

Breaking this feeling and the emotions behind it have put me at a mental low. I’ve felt inadequate this entire transition of reclaiming my mind, body and gifts back. The comfortable thing about drifting is you don’t feel the sense of falling, its as if you’re floating. However, when you attempt to snap out of it, you realize how fast your FALLING. Falling deep into the constructs of time only to see the older you’ve become and your regret and doubt swallow you in the pit you’ve drifted in.

I’m very uncomfortable right now. I’m struggling with my new structure. Mentally I can’t keep giving away time I am not putting towards making myself whatever person I’m set to be. There has to be a point I wake up from the trance of the hum from Karma’s wheel spinning and take it myself. Sorry Jesus. I feel once I learn to navigate this mental low from cold turkey cutting out a few habits (drinking, loafing, NOT writing, NOT working out, etc.) some mental clarity will arise. Right now I’d imagine this is what withdrawal feels like. If you love me, like what I write, or just find yourself a helpful person, pray for me. You don’t have to be overly religious to pray. Just stand with me. Maybe just maybe…if you choose to speak to the Devil, be sure you listen.

I’ll leave you with a quote from “Outwitting the Devil“:

Failure always is a blessing when it forces one to acquire knowledge or to build habits that lead to the achievement of one’s major purpose in life.”

For the First Time

If we bend the time, will it show me why I never let you in…

I think I’ve been in the longest reflection period I’ve had in all my life. I’ve been in a state constantly reminiscing on how far my life’s journey has taken me. Looking back, the past appears to be a winding journey full of turns and a labyrinth of mistakes, losses, and what ifs. However, I’m beginning to acknowledge that’s exactly what it is: the past. Sure I’ve trekked though parts of my life I don’t think I could fathom going through again. I’m not looking to retrace my steps. This isn’t a video game of going back and getting 100% collectibles. I’m grateful for the journey in spite of all things endured because NOW, the view I get to see things from is incredible.

For the first time in a while, mentally I feel at peace this season. I don’t feel stressed, melancholy or low. I think back on several years where I considered harm towards myself or others all from circumstances and situations making me feel as if I was drowning. I had a lot of misplaced hurt and anger in me. I suffered financially, grew distrusting in relationships, and didn’t value love in any way. All because I wanted to stay in my past. Maybe I could make some changes. Maybe I could spin the block. Maybe I can get revenge. Ironically I can contribute a lot of my today’s success from wanting to prove past circumstances wrong. Unfortunately the process seemed to make me cold and ugly inside focusing more of how my success looked vs how it felt.

I wish I knew some pivotal moment flipping the switch for me. I woke up and said “today I change”. Bit by bit, I changed my habits and contested my negative emotions. I stopped looking at the past as a path to rebirth and more of a history lesson. All I did new is focus on the now. My presence is more present than it’s ever been. I think when I learned in this very fixed point in life I am exactly where I need to be, I began to see the past had nothing to offer me anymore. Now is all any of us have. We can never go back. As much as we like to plan our future lives 3, 5, even 10 years down the line, who’s to say we ever see it?

I’m so happy to be where I am. My focus has shifted to being the best person I’m designed to be TODAY. Some days I take on transforming myself mentally and physically. Other days I sit still and ground myself. Loss hurts less to me. I take it as lightening the load on my journey. I see love as an extension myself that I’d like to share more with others. I feel dedicated to taking care of myself mentally physically so that means more working out, therapy and strengthening my support system. I feel peace controlling my negative emotions and letting go things and people no longer assisting with said peace.

I’m still reflecting on a lot. Things I think about still have me asking “what’s next”. However, I’m being patient on what I’m drawn to. Who knows, maybe I’ll write a book. Maybe I’ll play the piano again. I think mastering the construct of time will guide me to what I should do in the now and I’ll leave it to that. Right now, all I can think about is that now and I’m just fine with that. If the now can keep me with peace and content to curb the angst of depression and stress, let me live and die in the now and forever.

In short, I’m happy to be here. Let’s live for now and right now. Nothing else matters. Here’s to feeling something new for the first time. You love to see it.

Confessions of Justin Lamar: My Fears Pt. 3

What is it about fear that cripples the essence of who we are? Fear isn’t totally a human characteristic, yet is one of the feelings making us most human. The ironic thing I’ve come to the conclusion with fear is in practically every aspect we fear US. We say we fear death, but we actually fear we aren’t doing enough to live a full life. We say we fear distrust, but we really fear vulnerability in ourselves exposed. We fear spiders, snakes, etc, but we fear our bodies reactions to these things….well, maybe these are a little scary.

For a while now I’ve been trying to embrace fear with logic and rationale. I think this is why I appear so calm to others. Most times it comes with the caveat of being viewed nonchalant; however, it’s more of understanding why I feel the way I feel and understanding everything doesn’t warrant a negative emotion.

A while ago, I wrote about losing my grandmother and it’s a big fear for me. I think my understanding now that I don’t fear her death, but rather my reaction to losing someone who has solidly been keeping me going on this Earth. I may emotionally lose my grip and never be the same. I’m not sure if I can handle the responsibility to keep going alone, leading me to realize I don’t use my support system as much as I should.

I also talked about feeling my self worth and holding on to people longer than I should. I feared not letting people know the real me, so I make myself available to way too many people. I fear being labeled “the bad guy” all because I didn’t give people enough time or chance to see me. I realized this fear stemmed from me wanting to have a persona to be seen, something I have NEVER wanted in life before. I went from wanting to be seen as who I am instead of being who I am and letting the gravity from that pull in who needed to be here with me.

So how do I figure some of this stuff out? Solitude honestly. I separate myself from things and people and let me thoughts and emotions engulf me. It’s just me and all these feelings zoned out in a room forcing me to think on why I feel what I feel. From there, I learn. I think so many of us fear solitude, to be trapped with thoughts and emotions, is because of what we may actually find and face. So many of us use social lives as escapes vs enrichment and enjoyment. Sometimes being alone in the darkest hour is when you can see the clearest.

I’m still fighting a lot of fear. At least now, I have a better understanding of it. I’ve grown to value my own time because of the revelations I have. I’ve also learned better coping mechanisms because of my understanding.

Fear can be labeled as a misunderstanding of the unknown. It’s not enough to face fear, but doing so with knowledge and understanding. Otherwise, fighting a war with no understanding of the cause leads to casualties with no purpose.

Find your peace. Find your understanding. Find your YOU in your fear.

Introspection

Here we are. Here I am. Writing has always been my best version of reflection, accountability and vulnerability. Ironically the best versions of my writing come from when I’m feeling my worst. At this moment, I’m actually writing from a place of peace and introspection. Writing this will be completely new, and I don’t have any objective. I absolutely hate forcing myself to write, and I only write when I feel within myself to do it. I simply want to acknowledge how I feel in this moment.

I feel like I haven’t been living enough. I’m not sure if greed is consuming me or if I’m not being humble enough. I feel like there’s more in life I can explore. Ironic that I reflect on moments in my past when mentally I was barely hanging on, financially at my worst, and socially non existent….I felt alive. I felt like I was dying to live.

Then, I found peace.

Oddly enough, I found peace during the pandemic. I found the recipe for my peace came from within. I can’t rely on others create peace for me. I had to turn to the God within me and perform two miracles. I had to turn to face the tides of life, walk onto the water AND speak to the storm to calm it. I added miracle worker to my resume and after my last December of reflecting on past events of depression and losses throughout the year, I woke up feeling blessed and rehabilitated. I’ve been feeling at peace for a while now. I feel so grateful. Stress doesn’t linger anymore. The peace I’ve created for myself blocks out those who come to disturb it and welcomes those who come to support it. This peace makes it easier to breathe, laugh, enjoy people, and take care of myself. I say this to say I’ve never been so scared in my life.

I’ve never known this kind of peace. What I once thought was peace, is now what I know as survival habits. “Staying calm in rough patches. Never letting others see your emotions to get through a day. Driving on in life because there are still things to do. Embrace the suck”. All of these mantras and expressions led to a calm, cool and collected, but also a desensitized, repressed me. However, I felt I could endure forever. I felt I can push through. I felt I could set myself aside and be there for others. Even when love and life were abysmal, I knew I had to fight more to feel alive.

I needed to change that. I don’t feel at war with myself or anyone anymore. I don’t feel a constant need to survive and be greedy. I don’t feel like I need to pour my life force in a ton of different directions hoping something moves for me. Why cap my life to constantly clawing for the top when the view I have at this rest point is amazing?

When you learn life’s peace comes from within you, you see life as life in the here and now along with the pleasantries in the moment. You learn how awful being in a constant state of survival really is. The best thing I could have done for my mental state is living more in the now. I acknowledge the moments where “life be lifin” comes in two parts: 1) something you can do something about and 2) nothing you can do about something. There are things within our mortal control we can change and things we cannot change no matter how hard we’d like to. With the sense of higher consciousness in mind, if these things are meant to be true, why would I waste my life showing negative emotions in either direction? Why do I feel the need to go into survival mode for either one? What benefits will I have disrupting my peace? The more I focused on this, the more I see how much turmoil we cause ourselves often for no reason.

We cause ourselves to lament over things and people that are indeed free to move about in life. Things and people operate in a reason, season and a lifetime. It’s either for a need you’ve expressed and they’re there for that reason and nothing more. Sometimes through bad timing or anything, they’re gone. They’ve fulfilled why they’ve come and that’s ok. They’re here for a season, where it’s something you should learn, share or grow. The season gives you happiness and new beginnings. It too will pass, it’s a season. Then there’s the lifetime where you use all that you’ve encountered during your reasons and seasons to build an emotional foundation of forever.

Everything I’ve mentioned led me to this point of peace where people are free to come and go. I’m happy to be in lives for whatever reason or season. If I have a hand at making a better you, that fulfills me with some sense of purpose. I love seeing people grow. I’m just happy I’m taking the time to finally do it for myself.

The peace is here to stay. While sometimes it can bring about some anxiety avoiding the feeling of trying to survive to the next day, I have everything to live for and there’s more living to do. I’ll unlock it at my own time and pace. The older I get, the more the construct of time doesn’t matter. The life I’ve been given could always be better, but the live I’ve lived so far as been a phenomenal journey.

Protect your peace. Give your heart. Indulge in some desires temporary and permanent. Take care your health. Embrace who you are in this moment.

Here’s to another year.

BDSM (poem)

I find pleasure in my pain…

This masochism isn’t from whips and chains, Nah this comes from the welts life has given me, For a while I was locked into my body trying to free my mind, so as the sin lit cigarettes to my skin, I cried out because I seemed to have forgotten the safety word,

Who in the hell could get off like this? It seems like the ropes got tighter, the screams got louder, and the lashes got deeper….but somehow I needed it, I wanted it, I couldn’t get off without it,

See when life tried to gag me when most others would choke, when she bit into my chest tearing into my flesh, I simply fell to my knees and submitted, and perseverance turned to passion, endurance turned to excitement, and hard times gave me hard ons, because nothing could make me reach my climax in life better than what life dished out. Life loves it rough whether on top or bottom and I think I do too….

Guess I’m a little kinky that way.

The 6th Stage

I’m back. I’ll spare the “it’s been a while” speech. Just know I’m here, and I actually feel here. I think we’ve all been thrown some unusual hands to play in life recently. Quite a few events have left me an emotional wreck. Times when I’m emotionally depleted are when I speak less and drift to repress. Often I can’t verbalize the words to say, so I turn to write. So much of what I write are moments to get my usual feelings of stress, pain, struggles, losses and lack of growth out when I can’t find words to speak. Today I do something different. Today I write from a place of peace.

You ever close your eyes in moments of chaos around you, take a deep breath and suddenly everything is still?

At this very fixed point of life I feel inner peace. Let me note that again. At this very fixed point of life I FEEL inner peace. There’s always this saying to focus on your blessings and endure for your breakthrough. I want to be clear, I focus on my blessings and seem to feel at peace about everything I am in at this moment. For a while, I thought this was all acceptance to move on with life. However, the feeling of peace within me right now goes beyond drudging through accepting pain as a part of life. Instead, I feel like all losses and events have changed my life and I accept that, but now in this very point in life, they don’t define me.

I think this inner peace for me is the true key to knowing love for myself; something I’ve struggled to find and understand. The only unfortunate thing I can think to come from finding my own inner peace is coming at the expense of moments and others in my life. The main reason I’m ok with the outcome is for those that still here with me, I’m grateful for them, and I’m glad to be the person they always believed in me to be. So let’s live for now….right now…none of the rest matters.

People raised from a place of survival and long suffering don’t know peace within. Hell just a moment to breathe is a blessing in itself. I know for myself, I’ve lost people still living, lost love I never knew, almost gave up on a life I never gave a chance to live. I fought though a lot to obtain a little success just to learn a lot of what I sought after didn’t provide the breakthrough I needed to feel. Now, to put simply, I feel centered. I feel warmth inside my heart. Things I do now whether I joke laugh or express myself come from a place that I can only describe as a sigh of relief.

I’m still me: calm, chill, mentally/verbally vulgar. The only real way I can describe how I FEEL different is I don’t feel inspired by negative emotions and outcomes. I don’t use my fear or anger to keep pushing through any more. I don’t use my fatigue or stress as a source of inspiration. I have an overwhelming feeling that IN THIS MOMENT everything has led to the success of finding my lane to be who I am and gravitationally pull all that I needed to be. I feel the things I stressed about are meaningless. The things I’d stress about and can change, I change. The things I have no control over, I’m at peace with as a part of life at the point I’m in and my journey will take me to other points where these things may not matter.

Pain, anger, frustration, hopelessness and grief are here in all of our lives and we all go through stages handling with them. I think when we transition to a point of realizing peace isn’t just accepting and enduring, but appreciating the very point of your life as just THAT: you are at a point of LIFE. The thing about a life of peace is, no matter how our world measures time, you see every moment as a vehicle to get you where you are now and to take where you are now as a chance to let your impact mold your journey. I haven’t changed the world, but I’ve the lives of a few. I haven’t become rich, but money doesn’t stress me. I haven’t been the best person God designed me to be, but God knows the mold doesn’t break. I haven’t always loved, but I know the love I feel within myself is a feeling I want to give. I haven’t known peace long, but I know it’s here forever.

I hope the same for you too. Peace.