I once saw that seeking closure is really a fear of facing your past and doing better for the right now. I’m here to say that closure for me has a one way, self-healing path towards the better portion of my emotional and mental health. I’ve talked about my love life in various forms from what it was, how it currently is, and all of the self inflicting hardships I needed to let go just to be an emotionally healthy person who’s able to function. I’ve done a lot of harm to myself, but to a lot of innocent hearted bystanders as well all for the sake of comfort and protection.
I’m making the change to close a lot now. Out of everything I’ve done it’s time to be amicable with myself and give myself closure from a love I thought I really needed because I knew nothing better. Now more than ever is time to focus on maintaining my emotional health so I can give whatever sense of what love is to the true person deserving of it in my life. I question myself a lot. How do I know what love to give? How do I know the love one may be giving is right for me? How do I know this love is here forever?
People say real love never dies and I have to say I disagree to an extent. Love, like people, is a lot like seasons. It’s forever changing, unpredictable and only lasts as much time as we have here on earth. The rest of what we consider as love when we leave goes to moments and memories in others. I guess now that I think about it, love and death lead to similar fate. Think about it. Both share unpredictability, both happen in various forms, both evolve over time, and both evoke many emotions at others. The key similarity of both love and death is understanding that life goes on and only your impression on others is what continues the cycle or how it plays out in this case.
I say this all to say that I look back on a past relationship where I felt this person was truly my forever and that was the reason I could never move on properly. I think deep down I didn’t want to let go the memory of her because I never had anyone love and care for me like she did outside of my grandmother. She understood my passion, my plight, my quirks, my just about everything. I think I was so drawn to her being a damaged soul and since she was such a giving soul it seemed to heal me temporarily. When you’re constantly hurting, you latch on to anything that can ease the pain. She did just that and I loved her for that. I wanted her to create a life with me out of temporary fixes because at that point it was all I knew to feel love.
Honestly that wasn’t fair to myself and I think she knew that. Although she’d always mention how much she cared and loved me, I sensed that degree of separation from her because I think she wanted me to be free and she always knew maybe love for the both of us had changed like the seasons. I felt betrayed for a while thinking why the one I felt was “the one” didn’t want to be the one. I was fortunate enough to get the space I needed towards the end of last year to really evaluate a lot of my life. End of the years are tough on my mentally, but I do my best reflecting to hope for a better me each year.
I gave myself the closure. I felt like I didn’t need her for that. I needed to do that on my own. We had some of the greatest memories together and I can’t thank her enough for that. Those small city trips, Memphis, Ross, everything I remember, and I’m truly blessed to experience the love you’ve given me.That love, that giving kind of love is a love I feel mine is evolving into. Hopefully on my path of BEING the right person, I’ll have that love to give to another on their journey BEING the right person as well. I think I owe myself, the world and someone in the future that kind of change.
My questions I originally asked in the beginning of this still remain unanswered. I think I’m ok with that as this closure doesn’t give answers to everything, but a rebirth to experience love like a child…baby steps. It’s all an inevitable part in the cycle of existence. I hope my love stands as tall as the tree in Brooklyn. As this tree withers away, the seed given should spread and sprout into new earth and a new place. As the new blessings of love come to grow, starting its new cycle of life and love, it won’t forget that it stands a monument to the one that came before.
To you, the old love of my life. Thank you for everything. You’re truly a 1 of 1 in this world. I hope you grow beyond measure and spread your wings to explore more of how you can give and how you can love. Peace.