The Taste of Grey

Introspection is defined as the observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes. While I love to get technical, all this means for me is the feeling you get when you sit at your desk working and take a moment to look at a cloudy, misty Dallas skyline and notice while everything thing around you continues to move on, you’re stuck in a moment with yourself completely slowing down to reflect on the very point of time you exist. You think about anything and everything as it is for that EXACT moment in life and hone in on your senses. Maybe I’m freezing from a cold office space. How relaxed I feel with each deep breath counting down the time to dredge through on the tollway. When I think about the taste… considering there’s a quote about enjoying the spices of life, in the moment life seems like a taste of grey. One can definitely think I’m higher off my rocker wondering what strains I partake in having me taste colors, but I assure you I am of a sober and clear mind. Right now this taste of life I have while lounging on the sandy beaches of time gives me grey.

I feel life has me in a state I am currently too ignorant to understand. The moment I have in life currently is one of the most successful points I’ve been given thus far, yet the best way to describe everything seems melancholy. If melancholy had a color, grey would 100% be the choice color of fashion. Life is neutral. Life is safe. There’s nothing inherently bad, but could there be more joy to go around? Absolutely. On one hand, success is often associated with happiness, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose, but on the other hand, melancholy can bring a feeling of sadness, loneliness, and dissatisfaction with life.

So how can one reconcile these two conflicting experiences?

Aristotle mentions a difference between happiness and excellence or virtue (eudaimonia vs. arête). Success and happiness aren’t always mutually “inclusive” and while you may feel a sense of achievement and satisfaction, emptiness and lack of meaning can still exist without a sense of purpose or fulfillment. The Stoics and Existentialists believe in navigating this sense of “grey” for a chance of finding meaning in life as well as self discovery, actualization and improvement leads to a greater success in life. The Buddhists believe there’s balance with a taste of grey and the Romantics value the emotion that comes from grey. The philosophical top dogs all say to accept the grey for some sense of reward from it will come. However, I don’t have to memorize the teachings of philosophical masterminds to know rewards come at a cost.

I feel who I am today will no longer exist in years to come. This taste of grey has given me bitterness when it comes to constantly being “on the grind” yet a sweetness in all things simplistic. The fruit of God nor the pools of knowledge every tries to cram in every piece of content out there come close to masking the taste of grey. I honestly think I’m ok with that. I don’t believe this to be a negative state of mind in total, but I think the taste of grey is forcing me to expand my palate in life. It’s life’s equivalent to no longer drinking Four Loko and Taaka vodka now that you left your dorm room and have more that $23.42 in your bank account.

I don’t have a real answer to reconcile things going well yet grey. I can say I feel the things that I thought mattered don’t and things I felt I’ll find along the way are the things I should be active on having in life. The money and status/power I spent a sickening amount of time focusing on only become tyrannical if I never do any good deeds. The family I said I’d make time for once I’m done getting what’s mine may not be there once I allegedly have it all. Chasing luxury and frivolousness only leaves you winded to never catch up with anything of value. In the end, who am I if I’m unfulfilled? What have I really done if none of it was for a greater good? Out of all the flavors of life, the grey seems to be the most complex, yet redefining who I am and success to include internal markers and embracing melancholy as a natural part of life seem to be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.

Sprinkle in the grey. Recipe for disaster or maybe its just the flavor of the month.