I’m back. I’ll spare the “it’s been a while” speech. Just know I’m here, and I actually feel here. I think we’ve all been thrown some unusual hands to play in life recently. Quite a few events have left me an emotional wreck. Times when I’m emotionally depleted are when I speak less and drift to repress. Often I can’t verbalize the words to say, so I turn to write. So much of what I write are moments to get my usual feelings of stress, pain, struggles, losses and lack of growth out when I can’t find words to speak. Today I do something different. Today I write from a place of peace.
You ever close your eyes in moments of chaos around you, take a deep breath and suddenly everything is still?
At this very fixed point of life I feel inner peace. Let me note that again. At this very fixed point of life I FEEL inner peace. There’s always this saying to focus on your blessings and endure for your breakthrough. I want to be clear, I focus on my blessings and seem to feel at peace about everything I am in at this moment. For a while, I thought this was all acceptance to move on with life. However, the feeling of peace within me right now goes beyond drudging through accepting pain as a part of life. Instead, I feel like all losses and events have changed my life and I accept that, but now in this very point in life, they don’t define me.
I think this inner peace for me is the true key to knowing love for myself; something I’ve struggled to find and understand. The only unfortunate thing I can think to come from finding my own inner peace is coming at the expense of moments and others in my life. The main reason I’m ok with the outcome is for those that still here with me, I’m grateful for them, and I’m glad to be the person they always believed in me to be. So let’s live for now….right now…none of the rest matters.
People raised from a place of survival and long suffering don’t know peace within. Hell just a moment to breathe is a blessing in itself. I know for myself, I’ve lost people still living, lost love I never knew, almost gave up on a life I never gave a chance to live. I fought though a lot to obtain a little success just to learn a lot of what I sought after didn’t provide the breakthrough I needed to feel. Now, to put simply, I feel centered. I feel warmth inside my heart. Things I do now whether I joke laugh or express myself come from a place that I can only describe as a sigh of relief.
I’m still me: calm, chill, mentally/verbally vulgar. The only real way I can describe how I FEEL different is I don’t feel inspired by negative emotions and outcomes. I don’t use my fear or anger to keep pushing through any more. I don’t use my fatigue or stress as a source of inspiration. I have an overwhelming feeling that IN THIS MOMENT everything has led to the success of finding my lane to be who I am and gravitationally pull all that I needed to be. I feel the things I stressed about are meaningless. The things I’d stress about and can change, I change. The things I have no control over, I’m at peace with as a part of life at the point I’m in and my journey will take me to other points where these things may not matter.
Pain, anger, frustration, hopelessness and grief are here in all of our lives and we all go through stages handling with them. I think when we transition to a point of realizing peace isn’t just accepting and enduring, but appreciating the very point of your life as just THAT: you are at a point of LIFE. The thing about a life of peace is, no matter how our world measures time, you see every moment as a vehicle to get you where you are now and to take where you are now as a chance to let your impact mold your journey. I haven’t changed the world, but I’ve the lives of a few. I haven’t become rich, but money doesn’t stress me. I haven’t been the best person God designed me to be, but God knows the mold doesn’t break. I haven’t always loved, but I know the love I feel within myself is a feeling I want to give. I haven’t known peace long, but I know it’s here forever.
I hope the same for you too. Peace.